Me and my mind have been at odds recently; I’ve been feeling that I fall short of who, where and what I want to be. I have started to feel overwhelmed again with despair and I’ve felt that old and familiar cape of depression settling over me again.
It took me a while to realise what was happening and even longer to believe that it was. With all my training, my healthy daily regime, my meditation practice the years of work I put in to fixing my mental state of mind, how could this be happening again?
So I upped my game, I enforced a stricter and longer meditation practice, I got out all my natural pills and potions, I tapped (EFT) until I’d almost ran out of things to tap for, but nothing seemed to help.
I was starting to feel really lost, really out of sorts, how could I fix this when I didn’t know where it had come from, so out of the blue, when everything appeared to be going so well and actually how I had wanted it to?
Then I found the reason; the curve ball that had started it all up again. My book was ready for the masses, soon to be published, but I was far from ready. I was scared, I feared, I compared, I rejected, I worried, I lost confidence and lost my love for myself. All the things I taught, all the things I had learned – gone so quickly because I felt that I wasn’t ‘one of them’. I wasn’t that beauty, I wasn’t that empowering person, I couldn’t stand up and sell myself and my work, I didn’t feel authentic, I wasn’t that author, that speaker, that inspiring person I’d hoped to be.
Initially I fought it; I attacked my mind and my body with the same might that I felt it was attacking me with. It didn’t work. So I wallowed for a while, which didn’t work either. I gave myself more of a hard time, for I should have known better, but I hadn’t seen it coming, it had well and truly sideswiped me.
Was I really that afraid to be seen, was I really doing this to myself all over again, after so many years being cape-free? When I was doing my normal thing, seeing clients, doing small demos, talks and workshops, I was happy, confident and real. But now that things were changing and the steaks where getting higher, I’d compared myself to others and in place of my authenticity a doubting, fearful, trying too hard to be like others Faith had appeared again.
I was fearful of failure, of criticism and being seen, so my mind was trying to protect me in the same way it had tried to time and time again in the past. I accepted and thanked it for its assistance. I also accepted things had changed to teach me something I needed to be taught. I allowed myself to be open to whatever this was, I allowed myself to accept not everyone will like what I have to teach and that’s ok as they are on a different path to the one I have trodden. I’d felt stuck, not knowing where to turn or what to do, so I accepted this also (and my frozen/stuck neck I’d also been suffering from also went away).
Someone recently said to me that discomfort comes from being at odds with your soul purpose. I was certainly at odds with mine, I wanted it in one hand and was fighting it with the other!
Who’d have thought that the publishing of the book would as much of a lesson to me as the reasons for writing the book in the first place. I’m sure there will be many more lessons this book will teach me, but learning to accept myself, my truth, who I am, my purpose for being, just simply me is a pretty awesome pre-publishing parting gift!
Well done for sharing this…it takes courage to do that xxx
Thank you Adrienne xx
Oh Faith, a very big hug sent your way. Onwards and upwards !!! Have a fantastic week. Xxx
Hi Faith
Thank you for having the courage to be authentic and honest. I believe we are constantly learning and growing. And no matter how many tools and skills, we have learned or un- learned lol. There will always be something that comes up and that’s okay. As long as we meet it, accept, we move on and grow on to the bigger… xx
Thank you Eileen, acceptance does seem to play a large part in our spiritual growth doesn’t it. After all it’s all here to teach us something and once we allow that we can generally move on from it.
Thank you so much and to you also x
You my friend are an amazing inspiration and I’m so proud of you x
Thank you Jo, this means soooo much x
I can really relate to this Faith, as often when a new dawn is on the horizon we are vulnerable again, recently also there have been big energy shifts around too and us sensitives and empaths feel this not only on an emotional level but very much on a physical level too. You’re doing wonderful work remember to be kind to yourself too!
Thank you Lorna, sometimes we forget about ourselves on the path to helping others. But if we don’t look after ourselves we won’t be able to look after others. Thank you for your lovely comment x
What an honest post, thanks for putting it out there. We are all on journeys, which can be frankly difficult at times, especially when we fight what is our path. Good luck with your book launch and all that it brings, will look out for it and buy it 🙂
Thank you Jen. Yes we fighting our purpose we certainly become discontent or even diseased, it seems the only way to move on is to accept the lesson and allow it to teach you what it was sent for. Thank you for your ongoing support and encouragement, it means a lot.
I hear you. Thank you so much for sharing, I’ve had my own curve ball that knocked me off my feet, so I can identify with what you have wrote about here.
Thank you for your authenticity and I believe that these struggles, like the butterfly emerging from its chrysalis, strengthens us so we to can fly x
Thank you for you beautiful words Nikki. Yes I to believe that these lessons are sent us to learn and grow from and whilst we fight them we do little of either, but when we accept what they are here to teach us we can not only move on but evolve. Thank you for your support and encouragement.
Hello Faith, I wanted to let you know what a gentle but deeply profound impact you and your work have on me and my life. Slowly but surely I am implementing your suggestions on living a life less toxic, and feeling all the better for it. I don’t think we always get to see the enormous positive impact we have on each other’s lives so I’m just making it very clear, lol!
Much love, Marie
Hi Marie, Thank you so very much for your beautiful words, this really means the World to me and has touched my heart so very profoundly. Bless and thank you so much. =0)